Amy’s Testimony

“Trust me. Just trust me.”

By Amy, mother to Halle

This was Published on CarePages May 06, 2006 and used with permission by Amy. The Lord took Corbin home just weeks later on June 29. See his family testimony on another page.

“Cwobin, Cwobin. Cwobin, Cwobin. Cwobin, Cwobin. WE LOVE YOU!!”

Halle made this song up a few days ago. I’m not sure whether she heard me say Corbin’s name while on the phone with Travis, or she just knew. But she started singing this song right about the time they went into Corbin’s chest and found the “pumpers” to patch up that allowed him to come off ECMO. Really, it doesn’t matter. You can view it rationally (heard the name and started singing) or emotionally (God connects these special heart kids and they just know), the result is the same. It’s a three year old, little heart child singing a prayer for her heart buddy.

She spontaneously will sing this song every now and then and I allow that to comfort me and tell me that my daughter knows just the right time Corbin needs prayers. Yes, for the analytical out there, we can explain it away. But I allow this belief because it brings me comfort.

I’ve done a lot of absorbing, wrestling, acknowledging and accepting the life of loving a hypoplast lately. I realised that with every phone ring, my heart leaps into my chest, knowing that Terri will call me before she would post about Corbin. I revisit past loved ones pages, comparing stories, and clinging to the differences I find to offer hope. The past few years have turned me into a skeptic. I don’t like that. I wish I had the naivety and optimism I had to begin with. I want that back. I research to try to find stories, studies, that can give me more hope. As I told one friend, “I don’t know why I visit these old stories of loss- it’s like I can find a link or cure the doctors haven’t connected yet. Like I’m going to come up with something they don’t know?” I rack my brain trying to figure out the scenarios- med doses- situations- thinking I can help….

It’s the human desire to “fix” and make everything ok.

I search the internet for someone with the exact combination of defects Halle has that is still alive. Nothing.

I search the internet for someone who has gone through Corbin’s situation and thrived… Nothing.

I search and search for a reported success, thinking THIS will give me hope.

I find nothing.

That’s what I get when I look for facts- concrete proof- “on paper.” I get nothing. Even when I read of success- it is lacking. I doubt. I disbelieve the article of fabricated results. I am empty and defeated.

BUT, when I search for hope by going to His word: I find a blind man that now sees; A cripple that walks.

When I look to Him for guidance, I trust that Halle, Corbin, any of our children, are His own creation and individual miracles happening; despite what the scepticism of the past tries to attack with.

When I go to Him, directly in prayer over these matters, I hear, “Trust me. Just trust me.” And that is the pure simple fact of it. We walk this path He directs- trusting He will hold us through it all- whatever “all” may mean. Simple trust. A purpose yet unseen or understood. But one directed by a very adoring,loving Father.

Ok God. I trust that you allow what you do for a grander purpose than we can even begin to comprehend. It’s a loving hand that directs our lives. The hardships You allow are with a wisdom of how beautiful You know we will be -when we follow You.

I am full and complete.

“Corbin, Corbin. We love you.”

That’s a beautiful and simple statement and prayer. I trust in that.

Heart kids. Yes. They ARE made perfectly with their half hearts. He made them. WE chose whether to honor their purpose or deny it. There are no guarantees. Paper and statistics may say one thing. God says, “Just enjoy today- with all of your loved ones. Trust in me and rest.”

Thank you for your prayers for all of heart family.

Amy